Top 5 lists

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Top 5 lists

Top 5 things you don't want to hear at the dentist office.

5. Are those breasts real?

4. I have a special this week, 2 teeth for the price of 3.

3. Cavities, schmavities. I get paid the same.

2. Let's check that prostrate.

1. You sure have pretty lips.

Top 5 ways to offend someone.

5. Tell the truth.

4. Open your mouth.

3. Be responsible.

2. Fly the American Flag.

1. Believe in God. (Thanks ACLU)

Top 5 things you can do to go to jail.

5. Accumulate 2976 parking tickets that are unpaid.

4. Have a 2.5 hour chase with the police over a broken tail light.

3. Take something that doesn't belong to you, for example, those 73 cd's of Billy Ray Cyrus with the hit single "Where am I gonna live when I get home."

2. Sell illegal drugs or sex to an under cover police officer.

1. Look like you are from a Middle Eastern Country.

Top 5 Navy slogans that didn't make it

5. We're not Popeye

4. Aaaaarrrrggggggghhhhhh!

3. Join the Navy, Wash windows in every port

2. Join the Navy and watch Cher straddle a big gun

1. I thought you said Old Navy

Top 5 songs Country Joe McDonald could have stolen and no one would have noticed or cared

5. You Light Up My Life-Debbie Boone

4. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go-Wham (pre bathroom exposé George Michaels)

3. Convoy-C.W. McCall (pre on-line chat rooms)

2. Show Me the Way-Peter Frampton (who does your hair?)

1. Any song by that great American vocalist Celine Dion.

Top 5 movies that Sly Stallone shouldn't have done

5. Driven

4. Get Carter

3. Cop Land

2. Rocky I-XXIV

1. All of the above

Top 5 things to do on a rainy day

5. Vacuum your bellybutton

4. Style the cat's hair with superglue

3. Watch Bob Villa commercials

2. Call Rush Limbaugh's radio show and ask him if he can hear you

1. Sleep naked on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can see you

Top 5 ways to see if you are a Redneck

5. Is your nickname Cooter

4. Are you proud of your tooth

3. Do you have at least one vehicle on blocks

2. Do you have every episode of Duke of Hazard on tape (on Beta)

1. Are you married to or dating your second cousin twice removed

Top 5 ways Bill Gates improved Windows 98.

5. Profit margin at 20% instead of 15%

4. Second Edition increased profit by 5%

3. Windows ME increased profit by 5%

2. Windows 98 upgrade profit up by 5%

1. Recycled cardboard packaging increased profit by 10%

Top 5 stupid things to do while driving

5. Talk on a cell phone

4. Cut and snort a line of cocaine

3. Cook a T-bone steak on the engine

2. Check e-mail

1. Put the car on cruise control and expect it to drive itself

Top 5 reasons why this top 5 list is changed every day

5. I like frustration

4. I like pain

3. I don't have anything better to do

2. It is an obsession

1. My wife tells me to change it every day

Top 5 games kids like to play

5. Hide and Seek

4. Candy Land

3. Baseball

2. Kickball

1. Hide the good dope from your parents

Top 5 books that Stephen King never wrote

5. Sophie's Dead Zone Choice

4. Gone With the Shining

3. Cujo Dick, the Great White Dog

2. Chicken Soup for the Soul of Christine or How I became a Possessed Car Owned by a Nerdy Kid Who's Parents Should Have Given Him More Whippings When He was Young

1. The Dark Half of Sherlock Holmes

Top 5 things NASA is not telling us about UFO's

5. The Jetsons are real

4. A spacecraft did crash in Roswell

3. Abductions are an aliens version of car jacking

2. Aliens are tired of our garbage in space

1. Star Wars is fake

Top 5 reasons Microsoft made Windows XP

5. Bill Gates wanted to remodel his kitchen

4. Martha Stewart said the color scheme of Windows 98 clashed with everything

3. They ran out of boxes for Windows 98

2. Another way for Bill Gates to get his name in the newspaper

1. Can you say Monopoly?

Top 5 ways to improve a Rednecks house

5. Change the tires on the trailer

4. Add a working fridge on the porch

3. Use the pickup on blocks for a planter

2. Mow the dirt

1. Move to Alabama

Top 5 Top 10 lists David Letterman would not do

5. Top 10 ways David Letterman gets intimate with himself

4. Top 10 things David Letterman said at the paternity hearing

3. Top 10 types of women David Letterman likes to lead on so they will stalk him and he could have them arrested for trespassing

2. Top 10 ways David Letterman says I Love You to his mother without sounding sarcastic

1. Top 10 ways David Letterman will take The Funny Line to court for slander over this top 5 list

Top 5 times it is ok for a man to cry in public

5. The birth of his child that he knows about

4. The day his divorce is final

3. Winning a raffle where a Harley Davidson Sportster is first prize

2. Watching the movie Old Yeller

1. He's gay

Top 5 reasons a man would dress up as a woman

5. Halloween

4. Halloween

3. Halloween

2. Halloween

1. His wife found a dress, pantyhose, bra. panties, and all the other amenities that a woman would wear in the back seat of his car after he said he was working late

Top 5 ways to make a good first impression on a job interview

5. Don't tell them about the voices

4. Use a firm handshake and don't grab their crotch

3. If you smoke (especially crack), don't light up in front of the interviewer

2. Wear clean and pressed clothes, not the pizza and beer stained football jersey with a pair of Levi cutoff shorts

1. Know your own name

Top 5 times it is good to be a kid

5. When the mail arrives

4. When it is time to pay the bill at Red Lobster

3. Getting pulled over by a cop for speeding

2. Saturday morning cartoons

1. When you are hungry and you get to suck on a nipple

Top 5 answers given by OJ Simpson during the road rage trial

5. I am 100% not guilty your honor

4. I cut my finger on a glass in Chicago

3. The limo driver was late and I had to drive myself

2. Just because my fingerprints are on the glasses doesn't mean I grabbed them

1. If I can beat a murder rap I can beat this minor assault charge

Top 5 items a redneck needs in their truck

5. Gun rack with at least a fishing pole on it

4. Floor board full of empty Budwiser cans and Marlboro packs with the miles pulled off

3. Spit cup on the dash board

2. Bumper stickers with the Rebel flag

1. Number 3 sticker on the rear window

Top 5 ways to tell if your uncle is drunk

5. He repeats the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over and laughs each time

4. He is drinking from an empty beer bottle and still getting liquid

3. He tells every man he meets "I love you man"

2. He passed out on the couch with a beer can in one hand and a cigarette butt in the other with a 3 inch ash

1. Budwiser stock increased by 20%

Top 5 things a woman might say when pulled over for speeding by a male police officer

5. Officer there is a sale at Sears and I have to get there fast before the good stuff is gone

4. I'm pregnant and I am having my baby

3. Just like a man, let a woman be quick and they stop you

2. Officer, I...(cries)...I won't do that again

1. I haven't been drinking so no breathalyzer test

Top 5 things that would make a person go crazy

5. Waking up next to Rosanne Barr

4. Being told by your doctor that you have a strange tropical disease and the only cure is to watch reruns of The Dukes of Hazard

3. You found a winning lottery ticket for 10 Million 2 days after the cutoff date

2. Living La Vida Loca is the only song your stereo will play

1. Watching reality TV (Big Brother, Survivor, Temptation Island, Love Cruise, Real World and the list goes on)

Top 5 times you might get embarrassed if you are naked

5. Your son's graduation from Harvard

4. Nudist colony and you are asked to put your clothes back on

3. Accepting the Nobel Peace Prize

2. Being a contestant on Jeopardy

1. When you are waiting for a prostate exam and you realize this is a dentists office

Top 5 ways to tell someone they have bad breath

5. Eat any crap lately?

4. Did you know that humans can detect an odor from 10 feet

3. Have you ever thought about buying Tic Tac stock

2. I smell what you had for dinner last night

1. What did you do, drink from the toilet?

Top 5 things that you wish you didn't say when your car was searched for illegal drugs

5. My name is Robert Downey Jr.

4. No Officer, I use prescription marijuana

3. I just smoked a fatty and I need help finding the roach

2. Are those real bullets in your gun?

1. Got any papers?

Top 5 movies that Arnold Schwarzenegger should have been in causing mass destruction

5. Bridgett Jones Diary

4. Runaway Bride

3. The Bridges of Madison County

2. What Women Want

1. Gone With the Wind

Top 5 lines from the comedy Airplane!

5. Oever: Alright, give me Hamm on 5 and hold the Mayo.

4. Jiveman1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em.

3. Mother2: (In echo voice) Jim never vomits at home.

2. Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert. What was it we had for dinner tonight?

1. Oever: You ever...seen a grown man naked?

Top 5 things I would do if I had Bill Gates' money

5. Buy Disney Land, no make that Disney World

4. Buy Montana and Wyoming then give it to the American Indians

3. Buy custom golf carts to go from the bedroom to the bathroom in my house

2. Buy gold shoes and suit

1. Pay off the national debt and still have 4 Billion to play with

Top 5 reasons why a man would say he saw the movie Bridges of Madison County

5. If a movie has Clint Eastwood there should be some shooting

4. If a movie has Clint Eastwood they should be blowing up a bridge

3. If a movie has Clint Eastwood there should be an orangutan

2. If a movie has Clint Eastwood there should be short stubby cigars in his mouth and horses

1. His wife told him to

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